This Monday hit me like a ton of bricks. I mean Mondays are always Mondays, if you know what I mean, but this week I felt a general air of malaise. Between the pandemic stretching on endlessly, lots of extra time at home, and long work days, I felt drained. I felt like I was working all of the time, but still not accomplishing what I wanted to or all that was on my to-do list. Anyone else with me? I also had the realization that I was wearing too many goddamn hats. I don’t mean this in a literal sense (you know I love a good wide-brim hat), but in a there-are-too-many-balls-in-the-air juggling sense. At some point, I have to take a hat off or let a couple of juggling balls fall to the floor.
When I started The Bets Life, the main catalyst was writing, and of course, I’ve remained true to that. What I didn’t think about were all of the growing pains that go along with starting something new. Along with being a writer, I am now a content creator, editor, photographer, social media manager, follower engager, brand strategist, analytics interpreter, marketing director, website manager, stylist, planner, etc. Not to mention I am still managing properties. I’m not telling you this because I think my life is hard or I want to complain, I’m sharing because this is the reality of building something. This is the truth of starting something new and taking on all of the little, unexpected parts you never even thought about before. It’s also to show that, just like anything that takes work and time, from parenting to event planning, there is so much going on behind the scenes.
Back to Monday, when I was talking to my husband and gushing about all of these future ideas, loose ends I needed to tie up, decisions about if I was making good decisions (ha!), doing enough, heading in the right direction etc. all while slumped on the floor wringing my hands. I felt heavy, tired, exasperated, and stuck. Like I was trying to move in waist-high mud. I was sweating, fighting, and exerting myself, and yet I was still moving at a sloth’s pace. I had a pile of hats that I was sorting through all of the time, and right when I would take one off, I’d put a different one on. It constantly felt like there was something I could be working on or improving upon. I wasn’t taking breaks, and I was allowing the hats to wear me instead of the other way around.
My husband asked me a simple question, “What do you like working on? What do you enjoy doing?” regarding The Bets Life. This was a wonderful question. In trying to be good at everything and do everything I was starting to drive myself crazy and miss out on spending time doing what inspires and fuels me. I have to wear some hats of course, but I can’t wear every single one and I can’t wear them all of the time. Also, I realized that I was lost in the future. Forward thinking is great and necessary, but it’s not useful when you are getting ahead of yourself. The cart was definitely in front of the horse on this one, and I needed to spend time in the here and now instead of light-years ahead in the future.
To put it bluntly, Monday sucked, but it made me reflect on what’s important to me as I grow as a writer and as I advance The Bets Life. There are a lot of “shoulds” out there. I should be doing this. Or I should be doing that because someone else is. Or I should have done that by now or done that differently. I should keep working and get that email out tonight. There’s pressure to have the go-go-go mentality all of the time, and there’s fear in charting a new path instead of staying on the one more traveled.
I’m allowing myself to ease up. I’m packing some of those hats up in hat boxes for the time being, and I’m honing in on what I want and can do well. I’m also focusing on when I need to take a step back. I’ve come to terms with my gifts and limitations, and I have a clearer picture of what is more urgent to take care of, what can wait, what is not worth my time, or what is beyond my skill level.
The other night, Patrick and I had planned to watch a movie and we set a viewing time. As the showing time neared, I was still at my computer. Patrick told me that we could watch it a different night if I wanted to keep working. I was tempted to agree and keep chugging along, but I remembered that I need breaks. I need time to relax, to recharge, and to hang up my hat for the day. The computer was shut down, the calendar closed, phone set aside, and my attention shifted to getting a front row seat on the couch. Thankfully Patrick didn’t pick Alice in Wonderland – there’s currently only room for one Mad Hatter in this household. I’m working (and sometimes not) on it.
