You’ve probably heard the words, “Ask and you shall receive.” I’ve been reflecting on this phrase recently as I haven’t always been the best at reaching out. Sure, I have no issue asking questions, but when the query involves a request for help, I tend to retreat. What’s even more typical is that the thought to ask for assistance doesn’t even cross my mind in the first place. I’ve often chalked this up as a more positive attribute. After all, I consider myself capable, independent, and resilient – I don’t need to burden someone else when problems arise. It’s the “I got this” mentality that can be inspiring and productive, but as I’ve realized with age, lonely and exhausting as well.
Patrick had foot surgery (arthrodesis) last week, and for the first two weeks he must elevate his foot for 23 hours of the day. He’s getting up to use the restroom and to shower, and that’s about it. The whole healing process takes a few months, so we are in for a bit of a journey, to say the least. While having to rest and recover will be no cakewalk for Patrick obviously, it’s also a major change up for me. I’m picking up the slack and attending to the cats, meals, cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, errands, etc. Marriage is in sickness and in health, and we’re fortunate that this situation is temporary. Although, if you ask Patrick, it may end up feeling like forever for him (especially with my cooking).
This isn’t our first rodeo though. Patrick has had one previous foot surgery (although not as intensive) and a painful hip recovery after being hit by a car. He’s had to focus on healing (as he should), and I’ve had to focus on caretaking. A big difference between this recent surgery and those of the past is that this time around I’ve changed. Previously, I’ve rolled up my sleeves and put my war paint on. I’ve narrowed my gaze and put all of my energy into getting shit done.
I’m usually successful at accomplishing whatever I put my mind to, but it can come at a cost. As the only caretaker for weeks and months on end, I’ve felt the metaphorical weight on my shoulders, the sleep-like-the-dead full body exhaustion, and the isolation of living life not for yourself. During those past surgeries, I had no outside help from friends or family. Patrick recovered, I helped and put everything else on hold, and that was all that we did during those weeks and months.
Now, I am not trying to complain. Patrick and I are a team, and when a teammate needs help, the other steps in. He will always care for me, and I for him. However, just because Patrick and I are a team, it doesn’t mean that we are an island. Just because someone needs care, it doesn’t mean that we have to lean into hardship. There’s no prize for suffering the most or being the biggest martyr, and there’s no gold star for doing it all on your own. That’s why, this time around, I decided to do something crazy: I asked for help. I know, wild. This seems so simple, but I will be honest that it was still uncomfortable for me.
I don’t want to come across as uncaring, selfish, or needy. I tend to dislike even admitting that I can’t handle something on my own (darn you, incessant Virgo traits). When someone asks if they can help, I have to resist the urge to immediately dismiss the question or insist that we’re fine. Now, when someone asks if they can help, I nod. If they want to know how, I give suggestions. I’ve communicated directly that this is a hard time for us, so if friends or family want to assist, in the words of The Price is Right, “Come on down!” I am learning to accept what people want to offer, and I can report back that it’s like breathing fresh air after being held underwater.
I’ve realized how much people want to help too. We all have our communities of people, and they genuinely want to spread the love and pitch in. I’m always grateful when a friend shares about a difficult situation or the need for a little more love or assistance. I feel that it only aids in enhancing connection and compassion. I’ve been happy to sign up for meal trains and chip in on gifts for friends, so why have I felt undeserving of that same care and attention? Why have I been so afraid to let people in and to let them help?
What I will drive home, is that people don’t always know to help or act unless you ask or fill them in. Unless you share, others may not and will not know what’s going on in your life. Most of us are not mind readers, and we are all busy with our own lives, so give people the opportunity to show up. What I’ve finally learned after so many years is that it’s not shameful or weak to ask for help – it’s honest, healthy, and human.
Brick by brick, I’m letting go of this wall. These days, while Patrick is recovering and I’m spread thin, it has been wonderful to receive a dropped off or delivered meal. It’s a relief to not have to do extra grocery shopping, meal planning, and dish washing. The help that we’ve received thus far has already made this surgery recovery time easier than all of the preceding times. The great thing about tearing down a wall is that you finally discover what’s waiting on the other side. In this scenario, it turns out to be a lot of people that are happy to show up and support us in a time of need. Yes, the next few months will be an adjustment from our normal lives, but as The Beatles would agree, we’ll get by with a little help from our friends. Turns out, if you ask, you do receive – who would’ve thunk it?
Photo by Marra Creative Studio and outfit from/styled by Dylan Star
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