Lately, I’ve been adding back in more Zoom calls (got burned out for a bit), phone calls, and socially-distanced hang outs. When Covid-19 cases were on the rise again in Santa Barbara, I went into hermit mode, but now I’m crawling back out of my shell (safely). It’s been so nice to reconnect and hear and see friends again, and I’ve missed catching up with my girlfriends. I had an “Oh-Wow” moment recently after listening to what was going on in a friend’s life. I heard what she was saying, and I offered advice and understanding. It’s so easy to be caring, sensitive, and sweet to a friend, but I realized something…While I can be so gentle with a friend’s heart, I can be so rough with my own. I can be very thoughtful in the way I speak with someone else, but when it comes to self-talk, I can be inconsiderate, dismissive, and callous.
This made me think, I’m frequently not taking my own advice, and I’m often not speaking to myself like I would to someone I love. I can tell a friend, “Of course, you need rest and you need to take care of yourself” and then with my next breath, I can tell myself that I’m not doing enough. That I need to work harder. That I need to stop making excuses. We all have that pesky voice inside of our heads, but it’s interesting that we wouldn’t talk to a friend, or likely even a stranger, with the same tone and language that we reserve for ourselves.
I can’t always control the thoughts that pop up, but I can try to change the narrative. I can notice when I’m not being kind to myself, and I can give myself a break. I’m able to soften these thoughts, or refocus them, or tell them to take a hike. I’m going to remind myself to treat myself like I would a friend. I can hold space for a friend, be mindful, and show love and encouragement, so there’s no reason why I can’t accomplish that with my own self and inner voice.
I watched a video recently of Glennon Doyle, the author of Untamed, where she discussed her issues with love, control, food, and body image. She shared that she estimates that she spends half of her daily thoughts on food and her body. Glennon stated, “It’s like constantly being harassed by someone who hates you and the caller is coming from inside the house all day every day.” She went on to say that she “…can’t imagine the thoughts I would have and the art I would make and the activism I would unleash if I had back that 50% of my brain power.”
This made me circle back to how I’ve been talking to myself lately. I can guarantee that there is a better use of the time and brain power that I spend being hard on myself. Like Glennon, what could I accomplish if I had those hours and energy back? What if I could turn negative thoughts into empowering ones? What if I could get back the time that I spend sitting in my own self-doubt and use it productively? How much more would we all accomplish if we told ourselves “yes” instead of “no” or “why not?” instead of “never”? Why do we allow that caller to keep calling us over and over again on our own time and at our own expense?
I think it’s about time to stop answering those calls or let that voice know that you will hang up if he or she speaks to you like that. That phone can ring and ring all day long, but there’s nothing forcing you to answer it. Voicemail is full. Try again later. Or NEVER more like it. Let’s treat ourselves like we treat others. Let’s stand up to ourselves like we would to someone else. Let’s be our own friend in those moments when we really need one. We’re spending a lot of time with ourselves these days – maybe we should enjoy the conversation along with the company.
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